Gettin' tired of living in a world that's got no soul

My dad spent many years as a traveling auditor for a Pennsylvania insurance firm.

"On the road for the company," was how he often described it.

During summer vacations, I got to tag along once or twice with him when was going somewhere he thought might be interesting for me.

One trip took us to the far Northeast part of the state, where I remember having lunch in a tavern, which was scandalous as those were places we simply did not go. Either my dad knew this place, or it was the one a the few limited choices, I'm not sure. Anyway, this was in the exotic-sounding (to me) river town of Calicoon, NY.

I had a hamburger patty on Wonder Bread, and the ketchup soaked all the way through to my fingers. My dad had the same, with the addition of some raw onion, his go-to topping to every hamburger I ever saw him eat.

Father's Day 2012.

Maybe not that much different than any Father's Day since I became a father, except for the fact that today I am not with my kids today.

But my kids are with me.

Nothing has changed me more than being a dad. Everything I do in this life is for them, at least it seems that way since Jack was born in 2003.

I don't think my own dad every felt that way about my brother and me. Oh, he was a good dad, he was there, he was caring, he was present. And that was so important after my mom died.

But my own experience seems so much more focused that his did, at least in my memory.

Yesterday I drove by a township carnival near where I am staying and all I could think was "Jack would love that. Hey, there's a carousel, Ruby would be all over that."

It seems as though everything I experience is now filtered through what it might mean to them. Everything.

My dad has been gone for 18 years. He taught me a lot about consistency and the sacrifices that one must make when trying to fill in the gaps that seemed unfillable. Sort of like the gaps that I've noticed lately in my current life.

Next week, after 16 months away, I am heading back permanently to be near them again.

To be a present dad again.

I can't wait.